Church Bulletin Classics

You’ve likely seen lists such as this one before. But this is a pretty good one, and I’ve been awfully serious of late, so let’s lighten things up a bit as we find out more about our churches than perhaps we want to…

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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Potluck Supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

JGS: I think that last one can’t possibly be genuine. But I’m not so sure about the others…

0 Responses to “Church Bulletin Classics”

  1. Brandon Blake

    OK. Here’s one.

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot…

    “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

    “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

    The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?”

    “Moses,” replied the bird.

    “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”

    The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus.”

  2. John Stackhouse

    Thanks for this, Brandon, but I think we’ll keep further comments confined to church bulletin typos, rather than just any joke with a religious reference–which might well take us where I don’t want to go!

  3. Brandon Blake

    Yeah sorry. I realized AFTER I put this up (and couldn’t delete it) that it was suppose to be reserved for church bulletins, which by the way, even though I’ve read those years ago, they’re still hilarious! Here’s a few:

    Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
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    On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.
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    Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.

  4. Rob

    Hymn before the sermon: “Great God, what do I see here?”

    Hymn after the sermon: “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”

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