Orlando, FL (AP) — In an announcement that took the Christian broadcasting world by surprise, the publishers of online religious satire website The Babylon Bee said today that they had been bought by a consortium of the Trinity Broadcasting Network and Creflo Dollar Ministries.
“Apparently, preachers of the prosperity gospel felt we were confusing people by our satire so that supporters couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t,” said BB spokesperson Shane “Clay” Bourne. “We felt kinda sheepish when that was brought to our attention, I gotta tell you.”
“And when we would poke a little good-natured fun at the likes of Paula White and Benny Hinn,” said BB vice-president Rachel “Hell” Devans, “their major donors would call up and ask why they hadn’t been given advance notice of the ministry news. Goodness me, that was embarrassing.”
“We feel badly that we caused any distress to such exemplary organizations and individuals,” said Bourne, “and when they offered to buy us out to put an end to what we called ‘innocent Christian kidding’ and they called ‘damnable diabolical lies,’ we agreed to sell. Heck, we weren’t making any money at it, and when they put all that silver on the table, we felt deeply called to comply.”
“Deeply called,” echoed Evans.
The website will be rebranded as “The Gospel Truth” and will be co-edited by Rev. Joel Osteen and Bishop T. D. Jakes, “names you can trust,” as the corporate slogan puts it. Fully supported by PayPal, Bitcoin, and Verified by Visa, the new company, called “Streets of Gold Media,” will be based in Las Vegas, Nevada. “We wanted to be far away from the sinful influence of the mainstream media,” explained company spokesmodel Tiffani Fortuna, a former Miss Georgia, speaking from the executive suite of the company headquarters, the impressive new Johann Tetzel Memorial Tower on Las Vegas’s famous Strip.
“No more fake news!” she continued. “Only what the Lord’s people need to hear, spoken by those who are anointed to know what’s best for them to hear.”