(OTTAWA) — Sources close to the office of Prime Minister Stephen Harper revealed today that Justin Trudeau, leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, and Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto, have been paid by the PMO to help position Mr. Harper for victory in the next federal election. The details of the massive scheme to dismay the Canadian public and drive voters back into the arms of the Tories were outlined in a press briefing on Parliament Hill early this morning.
Press attaché Cal “Gary” Edmundston told reporters with a rueful laugh, “We had no idea we could keep it up this long. Justin managed to keep it plausible, but Rob was just piling on one absurdity after another. He really got into the part! We finally felt we had to come clean.”
Edmundston described how Tory strategists realized that former Liberal leadership contender Marc Garneau could pose a serious threat to Mr. Harper in the next election. “Good grief,” Edmundston said, “the guy’s a freakin’ astronaut. He’s intelligent, well educated, sober, bilingual—he could kick our…uh…bottoms.” Mr. Trudeau, previously uninterested in serious politics, was offered his own reality show, “Just Like Daddy,” and entered the leadership race, which he won. (The show has been filmed throughout his rise to national prominence and will be edited and released once Mr. Trudeau’s political career ends, which apparently will be soon.)
“We were pretty sure everyone would catch on when Justin did that stupid boxing match,” Edmundston allowed. “But instead,” and here he shook his head, smiling, “we got a bump! The guy could do no wrong! Flashy Mercedes? No problem. Sexy photo shoots? Only helped! Utter lack of clear policy proposals? Who cares!”
Edmundston admitted under reporters’ questions that Mr. Trudeau’s recent interference in the internal nominating procedures of a Toronto riding likely signalled the end of the ruse. “We were all taken aback when Justin decided to throw out all the senators from caucus. Remember that? Sheesh: he wasn’t supposed to make actual policy decisions. But there wasn’t much blowback. It’s just senators, right? So we just kept the cameras rolling. This recent thing with the nominations, though, was a flat contradiction of what we’d had him say about that, so we figured it was time to pull the plug.”
Edmundston pronounced the scheme a success: “Anybody remember the name ‘Thomas Mulcair’? Nope, didn’t think so. So much for the rise of the left!”
Meanwhile, to bolster Mr. Harper’s standing with the centre-right, Rob Ford was hired to portray a scary figure well to the PM’s right. “We kinda got more than we bargained for there,” Edmundston allowed. “I mean, holy crap.”
Ford’s antics—and, indeed, his apparent crimes—have been widely noted, especially in the United States. “Rob basically is saving Jimmy Kimmel’s show,” Edmundston laughed. “And he’s definitely driving all sane conservatives back into the Prime Minister’s camp.”
In the view of the PMO, however, Ford’s usefulness is coming to an end. Edmundston said, “Rob’s just having too much fun and we’re afraid that fewer and fewer people are believing that he’s actually a politician. Doug’s a genius at reconnecting Rob with certain kinds of voters, but there’s only so much even that miracle-worker can do. Pretty soon Rob’s gonna hurt somebody running around City Hall the way he does like a mad bull, or out boozing with another group of misfits. So we’re calling it a day.”
Pundits have been slow to castigate the city of Toronto for annexing “905-land” only to have those voters turn the mayor’s office into a cheap, drunken carnival. “It’s been strange that the 416-ers haven’t decided to vomit up the suburbs and recapture City Hall for themselves. But those tax revenues are hard to give up,” Edmundston observed.
Meanwhile, the Prime Minister himself offered no comment. His chief of staff said he was focusing instead on making sure every member of caucus was wearing black socks with grey suits on alternate days in the Commons and navy socks with blue suits on the others.
The leader of the other federal party was not reached for comment. And the Bloc Québecois released a short statement: “Les maudits anglais are always up to something terrible, no? This just proves that Québec must separate so that we can focus full-time on our own awful political culture.”