CAMBRIDGE, MASS. (AP)— Harvard University spokesperson Thurston Howell V announced today to a packed news conference that Jerry Falwell, Jr., has been appointed President of that university, effective immediately.
“President Trump recently suggested to the Harvard Corporation that delivery of certain much-needed medical supplies to the Cambridge area could be sped up, or allowed at all, if his friend and supporter Jerry Falwell were to be appointed to this position. The Corporation was grateful to oblige Our Dear Leader, and they voted last night in an emergency online meeting to follow the President’s directive.”
A beaming Falwell spoke to reporters about his plans for the historic school of higher learning. “First thing we’re going to do is ramp up what the covid-19 virus scare has already done, and that’s to move Harvard online with a vengeance! Now all those people who have Harvard T-shirts and haven’t come within a mile of Harvard Square can easily and economically take an actual course from the university. Someday soon, we hope, Harvard will be the Liberty of universities!”
Falwell then gestured at several of his new appointments standing in a row behind him, hastily convened by private jets for the news conference. Each of them spoke in turn.
The new Pusey Minister in Harvard’s Memorial Church, the Reverend Paula White, mentioned her tour of the building earlier today. “It’s pretty old-fashioned and dull,” she said, “but we’ll brighten it up with some nice big mirrors and colored lights. And once the giant screens go in, no one will notice that ol’ drab interior any more!”
Incoming Dean of Harvard Divinity School, Rev. Dr. Robert Jeffress, says that he intends to continue in his current positions as Senior Pastor of First Baptist Church, Dallas, and Fox News contributor. “Doesn’t seem to me like much theology goes on here anyhow!” the Texas pastor said with a grin. Outgoing dean, Prof. David Hempton, was standing nearby and was heard to sigh, “Oh, my Lord….”
The new Head of the Psychology Department, Dr. James Dobson, seemed enthusiastic about taking over. “Once we give all those faculty members a good, loving spanking, they’ll straighten right up!”
Having been named Dean of Harvard’s famed Business School only hours before, the Reverend Kenneth Copeland confessed that he was just getting up to speed on his new position. “The main thing,” he said, “and I can’t say this often enough, is to make sure you bring the whole tithe into the Lord’s house and bless this mighty new work of God. That number you see right there on the bottom of the screen: that’s the one to call to sow a seed of faith RIGHT NOW! We need you to step up at this crucial time in the Lord’s mighty plan!”
When told that Harvard University already enjoys an endowment of over $40 billion, Copeland’s eyes got misty and he had to pause before replying. “Well,” he eventually said in a shaky voice, “that’s a start!”
New head of Harvard’s Medical School, the Reverend Rodney Howard-Browne, was unable to attend the press conference as he faces charges of unlawful assembly and violation of public health rules for holding church services in contravention of local ordinances aimed at stemming the pandemic. His spokesperson, Ima Toadie, told reporters, however, that “the Lord will surely release him soon—and he will bring the gospel of God’s healing right here into darkest Boston!”
Yale University president Peter Salovey was among several who sent greetings on the occasion. “We couldn’t be happier for Harvard!” his brief message said.